The dining room in my house is where I tend to write my non business related blog posts. I like working here because the light as, as you can see, is wonderful. This post may piss a lot of people off, but in my opinion they need to wake up because they are throwing their vote away on what is essentially the attempt to create America’s worst nightmare.
The Zombie Apocalypse…
Three Completely One-Sided Fireside Chats
By President Donald Trump.
I despise Donald Trump.
This is a condition that has grown from simply thinking that he was just another blowhard American rich guy who has managed to get rich while fucking up nearly everything he touched. Which I found amusing and in a strange way, miraculous.
But I have seen way too much of him lately. And I have come to believe that he represents pretty much the same sort of evil as creatures like Josef Stalin, Adolph Hitler and Benito Mussolini.
My hatred of Trump and all he stands for have been delineated in a number of ways, mostly in social media and through my blogging. I am now at the point, especially after seeing John Oliver’s brilliant skewering of him on Last Week Tonight, where I would much rather satirize him that criticize him.
So I have created a series of hypothetical Trump Fireside Chats for your enjoyment and my own edification.
Chat One: The Muslim Issue
“Hello America. I’m appointing my good friend, Gary Busey to the post of Attorney General. I know, I know. He’s completely unstable and he doesn’t even have a law degree. But he is a good friend and you know I don’t really know about law degrees. I personally think they’re overrated. Seems like everybody has one. I have an honorary law degree from Trump University. They love me there. And yes we are being sued for fraud but the degree is still good for now.
But it doesn’t matter…I never use it myself. I’ll let Mr. Busey use it because, according to the pain in the ass media types, he doesn’t have one. I thought everybody had one. But what do I know?
Now the first order of business for AG Busey is to get rid of all those fucking Muslims, pardon my French. Don’t get me wrong, I think Muslim people are great, I have many good Muslim friends and they love me. I love their culture. It’s a little on the extreme side, but hey, different strokes. And you know what? I think they’ll understand why we’re getting rid of them…they’re just just not great for America.
They come over here. They’re terrorists. Or they know terrorists. Or they come from places where there are a lot of terrorists. It doesn’t matter. They’re taking jobs from the good people who elected me. Good minimum wage jobs.
Oh by the way, that minimum wage thing…I don’t know about that. I’m thinking 6 bucks an hour, maybe even a little less.
I mean, hell, minimum wage people, like a lot of the people who work in my buildings, they live 20 to 30 to a house. And man, have you ever gotten a whiff of those houses? That smell is something else. What are they doing in there? The point is, they should pool their money and they can afford to live like royalty.
But the Muslims…how many are there, a million and change? Wow I thought there were more. It feels like there should be more. Be that as it may, they’re outta here…just gone. They’re gone. Back to the desert. I hope they’ll be OK. Many of them will probably become terrorists, but you know, that’s more than 8000 miles away. We’ll be fine.
Good night America, and remember, there’s a special place in Northern Syria for anyone who shelters a Muslim. Hope you like the heat. I hear it’s a dry heat, but it will fry your brain just the same.”
Chat 2: The Putin Visit
“Good evening America…I’m heading over to Russia next week to meet with that little commie prick Putin. pardon my french. I just found out, somebody told me, I can’t remember who…it doesn’t matter. They told me that Putin is worth something like 20 billion. And we’re not talking devalued rubles here either. Good old American dollars. Twenty billion.
I mean he’s like twice as rich as me. And you know how he does it? This guy’s a piece of work. Here’s what happens…People who want government contracts…to build tanks or military uniforms or public buildings, whatever, they come to him and he says, ‘Sure, no problem. But I need to have like 7% of your company. I think it’s 7%. It could be more. I don’t have the exact figures.
Now nobody’s gonna argue with that little turd, cause he’ll send you to Siberia or somewhere and give your company to somebody else who’s more than happy to pay the 7%. So the net result is that he ends up with little pieces of a whole bunch of really profitable businesses. And bingo, before you know it he’s got 20 billion socked away in Switzerland.
Now this is the kind of government support for private sector business we need more of here in America.
So as soon as I get back, I’ll be taking offers. Cause we’re gonna make America great again. Maybe not everybody will benefit, but you know, that’s the way it goes sometimes. You can’t win them all. See you when I get back. I promise to kick that little Putin’s ass for you.
Good night America, and don’t forget to tune into Trump TV for a brand new Apprentice Marathon. Who am I kidding? You’ll be watching, since I got rid of all the other networks and you don’t have enough money to go out anywhere.”
Chat 3: The Mexican Wall
“Good evening America. Tonight’s chat is about Mexico. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that wall. I know it was a campaign promise. And I’ll tell you this right now, it’s happening. And mark my words when I build that wall it’s gonna be one hell of a wall. It’s gonna be a Trump wall. And by that I mean quality. A quality Trump wall.
It’s gonna be about the same height as the great wall of China. And I’ll tell you …nobody’s gettin’ over that wall unless they get shot from one of those crazy circus cannons. Those cannons are huge aren’t they? You know, maybe we could build some of those cannons to shoot the illegals back to Mexico. Now that would be entertaining. I’d pay to see that. And I bet a lot of tourists would too.
Anyway, in little while, I’m not sayin’ exactly when, I’ll be meeting with the Mexican president. Lopez or Gomez or Speedy Gonzales. I can’t remember his name right now. But after this meeting he’s gonna remember mine. I’m walkin’ out of there with a check and that jumping bean won’t know what hit him.
Now if you’re wondering how I’m gonna do that, let’s just say that I am and leave it at that. Deals like this are why you elected me.
I have to tell you I have a very good relationship with Mexico. They love me down there. Some of my best friends are Mexicans.One or two. It’s a lovely country…well parts of the coast are anyway. The rest of it’s a bit of shithole with all kinds of murderers and rapists. But they’re gonna pay for this wall. And I will get even more money from Mexico, because my people have put together a whole program to sell advertising space on the wall. Both sides.
This is huge.
Just image Taco Bell ads for hundreds of miles. They have Taco Bell in Mexico, right? I’m sure they do. Or something like Taco Bell. Hell they’re Mexicans. They’ve gotta have some sort of Taco Bell thing down there.
Now this is the kind of idea that is gonna make America great again. Can you imagine all those Chinks and Japs coming over to have their picture taken at the wall. I mean, the Jews don’t have a monopoly on walls. And this will rival any wall anywhere. Plus there are gonna be Trump hotels every couple hundred miles. I have investors lined up around the block for this project. Everybody wants a piece of it. I tell you, this freakin’ wall is huge. Lots of cheap construction and minimum wage jobs too.
And right in the middle, as promised, there’s gonna be a little gate where all the wetbacks we shoot back into Mexico with our big cannons…I’m really starting to like that idea…all those wetbacks can come back in. But only if they do it legally. And you know, kick a little back to yours truly for putting the American Dream right in their grubby little paws.
Good night America. Make sure your doors are locked because the Trump police are out there looking for dissidents and they could be you and your family. We’re not messing around here.”
You might find this a little harsh. But then again, go back and read my first sentence. This man is a plague. And the people who are supporting him are the infected.
He is running on a Republican ticket, yet the Republican party wants nothing to do with him. Every prominent Republican in America has come out trying to warn people about the damage this ignoramus could do.
But the news media, greedy jackals that they are, have kept him front and centre and helped him build his image. Just like Hitler did in the 1930s.
He is preying on the helpless, the ignorant and the angry people of America. He is spewing racial hatred, hatred of women and hatred of anybody who disagrees with him. He is a bully and arrogant beyond belief and three quarters of the leaders in the world despise him at least as much as I do.
It’s almost impossible to believe that this man could be given the Presidency. Because that would mean that more that half the country has lost their fucking minds.
Don’t do it American. We Canadians love you. Get better soon.